I have my third polysci test tomorrow for my summer class. There are only 4 tests. I should be studying. I should be reviewing and memorizing and copying notes. But what am I doing instead? I'm sitting here thinking about how strange it is that I'm not thinking about you.
I have been thinking about you for the past 8 months. Day after day, week after week, you have been a part of my mind. And if that's not enough, for the past month I have been retraining my mind to think of you differently, to think of you as no longer a part of me.
Well hello. How's your summer been? You look happy. What have you been up to?
And just. like. clockwork.
Hey! It's been good. You look tan now. Not too much, you?
I try to squeeze back into the mold I fit so uncomfortably in all year. But this is a different kind of discomfort. It's the strangest kind of discomfort. Because the uncomfortable suddenly just feels, comfortable... and that's all. No bells, no whistles, no knives. No ups, no downs, no emotions. Just comfort. Just "used to." Just easy.
I walked away from you that morning and didn't think twice. I didn't wonder if you thought about me, and I didn't wish to hear from you. In fact... I don't really care to hear from you at all. How strange is that? How strange that after months and months of you engraved on my mind, one moment with you and I feel nothing. Am I blocking it out? Am I forcing myself to be numb so that I don't have to deal with the reality of things? Or am I really truly actually just not thinking about you. How can you have held so much control when you were away, but then you're here and I feel free? Explain the logic there.
Well of course, like everything else between us, I can't explain it. Not yet anyway. I just never thought I would be at a lack of explanation for a sudden lack of feelings. Because for the past 8 months I have loved you. With every ounce of me I have loved you. And I know that I still do. I have to know that. But why don't I like you now? Why don't I miss you, want to be with you, want to talk to you? You touched me and all the magic faded. Have I truly been in a world of my own mind's creation for so long? I felt hard and I felt strong with you. The highest and the lowest. To not feel at all? That is when I know something is truly not like it was. Am I free? Is this what freedom feels like? I didn't ask to be free of you, I never wanted that. But if this is freedom, maybe it's not the hell I've been fighting against all along.
I should be thinking about you. I should be consumed by my own thoughts- breaking down and analyzing every second, every stare, every word. But what am I doing instead? I am staring at my polysci notes, wishing I had a legitimate distraction to help me procrastinate.
