The greatest thing freshman year gave me

​Today the class below me graduated high school. They put on the same navy blue caps and gowns that I wore just a year ago and walked across the make-shift stage in the gym, saying their final goodbyes to the little high school world I once knew so well. A year ago, when I walked across that stage, I could never have imagined the reality of the new world I was about to enter into. But today... today I am on the other side of things. 

I am 19 years old.
I am officially finished with my freshman year of college (minus the one class I have to make up over the summer- freshman year is actually hard ya'll).
I am no longer the baby. I know the ropes, know the streets, know the classes.
I still don't know the relationship game (but honestly who really does).
I eat different things, drink different things.
I am older, I am wiser, I am calmer. 

Yes, I am different than I was a year ago. Who I am has not changed, but how I am that person has. Because I learned a lot this year. I learned how to truly stand up for myself. I learned the true, irreplaceable beauty of alone time. I learned that it's okay to be the average one, and to not know exactly what you're doing, currently and in life. But I think what sticks out the most from everything I've learned this past year is that I gained the ability to accept my current circumstances for exactly what they are. Let me explain.

There are many things in life which we can control- what we eat, where we go, how we spend our time. And then there are many more things in life that we cannot control. We can't control how fairly that TA grades our work. We can't control how other people (our friends, classmates, random strangers) choose to treat us. And we definitely can't control another person's feelings, and what they choose to do with them.
Each of us is simply one individual human, and we cannot control all of the other humans who we come into contact with each and every day. This seems to be a fairly obvious statement. But when it comes to day-by-day real life, this fact is much harder to swallow than we realize. I learned this from my teachers, who didn't always give me the grade I felt I deserved. I learned this from my friends, who once and a while didn't exactly see eye to eye with me. I learned this from the imperfectly-perfect boy, who consumed months of my life then walked right out of it.

But the grades, they were no longer in my control. I was powerless- there was nothing more I could do, so why allow myself to be consumed with stress over it? And my friends, well I can't control how they feel about things. I can only accept that their mindsets may be different from mine, and because of this we'll probably hit a bump in the road every now and again. As for the boy, that will remain as confusing as life itself. All I can do from here is accept that there will never be an explanation for why things are as they are.
You see nothing is solved. All of those circumstances remain as unanswered as they were to begin with. But what's different is me. I can look at all of this, know that nothing's right, and yet still be okay. There are a lot of things from this past year that were "not right." It would take more than my two hands to count all of the times that something didn't go as planned. But what I've learned this year, what I am most thankful for, is that I have the ability to be okay, even when things are far from okay. My life may not be perfect, but it is still my life. And it's the only one I've got. Tomorrow's gonna come no matter what, and I have to meet it when it does. And it's not about putting on a brave face all the time, or faking it till you make it, because I believe that emotions and sadness are part of the process. But it's about accepting that you simply are not and do not have the power to be in control of all these things that happen to you. It's about recognizing that you don't understand, and accepting that that's just where you are right now. 

Life will fall into place when it's meant to. But these are not the years when life's supposed to make sense. These are the years to feel everything, fully. What would be the fun in a simple life? It's the chaos and confusion that will one day make it all worth while. So I say, allow yourself to feel. Things are going to happen that you don't like, but things are also going to happen that are great. That's just life. But take it all in. This is your life. 

but even then

So here I am.
2 more finals stand between me and summer.
I want to be excited. I want to be spending my last few days as a freshman fully engaged in freshman things.
But instead, here I am. Avoiding reality and avoiding you.

I always thought our last goodbye would go unsaid. That we would just drift apart over the summer, and never really resolve anything. Just like how we never really started, I thought we'd never really end, but that some day we'd just be done.

That is not how it happened.
Instead it happened with hostility and anger and sadness and yet still, no resolution. We fought and I cried and you shut me out for good this time. I don't know if you'll ever learn to let anyone in. I hope one day you do.

But that one day was not with me, as much as you and I may have both wished it could have been. So now you'll leave for the summer, and I'll stay here. We won't speak. Instead we'll see pictures of each other and I'll wish I could be a part of them, or even a part of your mind when they are taken. I'll wish you could let yourself truly feel for once.

And in the fall you'll come back, and I'll still be here. And even then I'll still want what I've always wanted. Even though I am angry and sad, even though you refuse to face your own life. I'll still be here. I don't really have a choice. I wish I did. But even then, I think I'd still choose you.