but even then

So here I am.
2 more finals stand between me and summer.
I want to be excited. I want to be spending my last few days as a freshman fully engaged in freshman things.
But instead, here I am. Avoiding reality and avoiding you.

I always thought our last goodbye would go unsaid. That we would just drift apart over the summer, and never really resolve anything. Just like how we never really started, I thought we'd never really end, but that some day we'd just be done.

That is not how it happened.
Instead it happened with hostility and anger and sadness and yet still, no resolution. We fought and I cried and you shut me out for good this time. I don't know if you'll ever learn to let anyone in. I hope one day you do.

But that one day was not with me, as much as you and I may have both wished it could have been. So now you'll leave for the summer, and I'll stay here. We won't speak. Instead we'll see pictures of each other and I'll wish I could be a part of them, or even a part of your mind when they are taken. I'll wish you could let yourself truly feel for once.

And in the fall you'll come back, and I'll still be here. And even then I'll still want what I've always wanted. Even though I am angry and sad, even though you refuse to face your own life. I'll still be here. I don't really have a choice. I wish I did. But even then, I think I'd still choose you.